One Manager Taught Me Everything Not to Do

Early in my career, I worked for a manager named Fred. At first, he seemed supportive. He asked questions, appeared engaged, and even gave me a thoughtful holiday gift. I believed I was in good hands.

Then, without warning, Fred told me that someone hired after me would now be my manager. His explanation was blunt: she had a college degree; I didn’t. My experience, loyalty, and pride in the brand didn’t factor into the decision.

But the moment that shaped me most came a few months later.

I made a mistake on a client’s product label, an error that did cost the company money to fix, but luckily caught internally before it ever reached the client. I reran the correct labels immediately, apologized, and documented the fix in the file (this is before we had a formal database). Instead of treating it as a learning opportunity, Fred called me into his office for an unscheduled meeting, with another executive present who sat next to me with a smug look on her face. Our meeting was quick, he told me to go home and decide how I should be punished.

That night was awful but it was also pivotal to my future success.

I did discipline myself. At first with shame and self‑punishment, but then, after several tears were shed, with reflection and resolve. I finally realized it wasn’t my job to humiliate myself, and it wasn’t his job to intimidate me. When I returned the next day, I calmly explained that I had already taken responsibility for the mistake and that the real issue worth addressing was the process, not my worth.

I left his office with a huge sigh of relief and a new revelation.

Fred showed me exactly what leadership should not look like. And in that experience, I became crystal clear about the kind of leader I never wanted to be.

What stayed with me long after that experience wasn’t just the unfairness of the situation—it was the realization of how profoundly a manager’s behavior can shape someone’s confidence, motivation, and sense of value. Fred didn’t intend to destroy my confidence, but intention doesn’t cancel impact. What I experienced wasn’t about one mistake. It was about how power was used and how leadership showed up in a moment that mattered.

As I grew into leadership myself, that lesson followed me everywhere. When I became responsible for people—not just performance, but their livelihoods, growth, and confidence—I understood something deeply: leadership is not revealed when things are going well. It’s revealed when something goes wrong.

Your team doesn’t experience your intentions. They experience your behavior.

That’s why so many well‑meaning leaders unintentionally become the kind of manager they once promised themselves they’d never be. Pressure rises. Time is short. Mistakes feel costly. And without self‑awareness, leaders default to control instead of curiosity, authority instead of empathy.

This is where leadership is quietly won or lost.

Every interaction answers a question your team rarely asks out loud but always feels: Am I safe here? Am I valued? Can I trust this person? When mistakes are met with fear or humiliation, people stop taking ownership. They stop thinking creatively. They stop bringing their full selves to work.

But when mistakes are handled with clarity, accountability, and respect, something different happens. Trust grows. Confidence builds. People lean in instead of pulling back.

If you’re a business owner or team leader, this is worth pausing on. When someone on your team makes a mistake, do they feel safe coming to you? Do they leave the conversation clearer—or smaller? Are you managing tasks, or are you developing people?

Because whether you realize it or not, you are becoming a certain kind of manager every single day.

So let me ask you the same question I had to ask myself years ago: What kind of manager do you want to be? The one people fear—or the one they respect? The one who demands compliance—or the one who commands trust?

The managers who shaped me most weren’t perfect. They were intentional. They understood that leadership isn’t about control. It’s about how people feel when they leave the room.

This is the work I do today with business owners and leaders who want more than growth. They want loyal teams, strong cultures, and trust that lasts. Through coaching, workshops, and the B.R.A.N.D. Method, I help leaders become more self‑aware, communicate with clarity, and handle difficult moments in ways that build people instead of breaking them.

You don’t have to repeat the leadership lessons you learned the hard way. You can choose to lead differently—on purpose.

So I’ll leave you with this: What kind of manager would you like to be?
And if you’re ready to grow into that leader, I’d be honored to help you get there. Schedule your free, 30-minute discovery call to learn how

Originally published on Substack.